The Firsts
I am tired of having to have “first” experiences. Everything I do is like, “well this is the first time I’ve had to do this now that Willie is gone”. I had to have the first family function that Willie was missing from. It would of been hard to explain to Jayden years down the road why we ignored his first birthday.
This is the first blog I have written.
This past weekend was the first time Royal went fishing and Willie probably would have came down to go too, there was even an empty spot in the boat. Royal didn’t catch anything, and that’s definitely not a first. I’d bet you a million bucks Willie wouldn’t of caught anything either. Royal swears he’s the most unlucky fisherman he ever took fishing.
I went to the yarn store for the first time, which is where my nightmare started…and didn’t buy anything - that was definitely a first. It is where I was when I took the phone call from my mom and had to guess that my brother had died because my mom couldn’t say it.
I’ve had to have the first day that I was alone and taking care of Jayden. The first time I actually had to think about what to make for dinner. I have yet to go to the grocery store, but that first will happen today, poor Jayden can’t live on toast and cheese forever, and I can’t live off elk-a-roni sticks and ice cream, mostly because all my elk-a-roni is now gone.
I’m going to go for my first run today, the half-marathon is a little less than 3 weeks away and I haven’t put my running shoes on for over 3 weeks. I have a feeling this will be the first race I will seriously struggle to finish. Plus this will be my first capital city marathon that I will be doing with out my dad running with me. I am grateful Willie never gave into my badgering and started running with me, because I have something that I can do that doesn’t feel like I am missing something. Unfortunetly, 13 miles is a long way to run so you have plenty of time to think. Hopefully I will be so miserable that all I will be thinking about is where the next water station is and the free massage at the end.
Rachel and Royal,
I know there is really little comfort I can offer the both of you during this time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I think about you often. I can’t imagine the void left from such a larger than life personality like Willie. I can still remember Willie waiting for a ride from his sister(s) in the high school parking lot, leaning against the ol’ Duster, looking as cool as a kid with no car can look.
I pray that God carries you both through this difficult time and He draws you closer to each other and Him.
I am sorry that I can not stop these types of “firsts” from happening, but you can be sure you are “first” in my book.
Rachel-
Thanks for sharing your heart. There are so many and are so in your face that it is hard to imagine that you can actually function. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. The first really suck. I think that is all I can say. Brandon and I are praying for you and your family. We also really enjoyed our time with your parents, hearing about Willy and feeling a little closer to your family.
Traci
Rachel, i am so proud of you for writing. you are so expressive and it is good for all of us to read your heart and know your hurts. I am sorry you have to do these first things but I am certain that as time goes on you will find that these are the things that tie you to Willie. They hurt but hurt sometimes feels good.
i am sitting at an rv park south of roseburg with your parents as i write this and they are reading what you wrote about your cat and they are laughing and enjoying you.
hope to see you soon.
greg
While Greg and I have spent some time with other families who have lost a child/brother, this is the first time we have been so intimately involved. It has been hard, but more than that, a blessing. I have been able to grieve again for Paul, and then to grieve for your mom’s loss, and yours, as well. I so want to be “Midge” for your mom and I trust that God will continue to allow that privilege. Getting to know you has been a gift from this time. You are a special woman, a loving wife, mother, and daughter, sister. You are after the order of olive trees!
Linda - Olive