My Symbol of Suffering
It was 10 days after my brother died, and I was out with my mom buying Jayden birthday presents, since that day was his first birthday. My mom said something to me about wishing that there was a black armband or something that she could wear so that people could see that she had suffered a great loss. Maybe they would stop saying things like, “How are you?” (when they don’t really want to know) or “Have a nice day”, because for us, those days weren’t so nice, some days still aren’t. I still think somedays it would be nice to be able to put something on, that set me apart from the “normal”, “ungrieving” world, that would allow me to have a bad day without having to explain it. I could just put my armband on and people would know that someone close to me is now gone. Maybe we would get a little more consideration from strangers, maybe a hug from someone who doesn’t know that even 3 months later we are still sad. I feel like it would be nice to be able to remind people that even though it has been 3 months and their lives have gone back to normal, mine is still upside down some days. Maybe it would remind someone to say a prayer for my family because we are on a journey that is taking us down a road we don’t want to be on, and from here, it looks like a long, uphill road.
Since Willie has died, I’ve heard all the members of my tribe say that they feel like they have lost pieces of their bodies. We are marked, forever scarred, never to be the same people that we were before April 14th. That is why I am so excited that we are all getting tattoos (except my dad, we haven’t convinced him yet). I am excited because it’s like the marked person I am on the inside is now going to be on the outside. After my tattoo, my outside will never be the same, it will be forever marked, there will be a visual representation that I am changed. It’s my black armband. It’s my symbol of suffering. It’s my reminder of the things I have lost.
Wow Rachel…..thank you. You have finally put into words what I have not been able to express myself. I have been trying to figure out where I am …. how Im feeling and you hit it right on the head. I cant wait to “put our armbands on” and forever mark our loss. I am so thankful that I am apart of this tribe.
As always you have put forth your feelings well. It will be interesting to see where “the tribe” places the tattoos on their bodies. I am sure the representation will be different but equal for all involved.
As a family we wanted something that would set us apart because we knew we were no longer like everyone else. Brad has a tattoo but the rest of do not. instead we had rings made. they are not part of our bodies the way your symbol will be but they are with us always and everyonce in a while we get to tell someone about the ring.
This journey is not easily followed or catagorized so it must be walked out day by day, sometimes moment by moment. i applaud your attempts to find wasys to speak out your pain and to make memories. maybe even the physical pain will be a part of merging what is with what was.
greg
I am so proud of our tribe. We have all suffered a great loss and we have loved and supported each other to the best of our abilities. We have all changed but we are still family, still celebrating Will’s life, our lives, each other’s accomplishments, nurturing each other as our grief weaves it’s way through our lives. I was worried that Will’s thread in the tapestry of our family would get lost but now I see it is stronger than ever, his thread caught up in our own as we continue to weave out the fabric of our lives. He is not here to carry his own thread, so each of us will carry a part of it along with ours. When our family tapestry is bigger and longer and always becoming more intricate, we will see Will’s thread appearing all throughout it. He can never be completely gone from us for he has marked us with his life, the blood that ran through his veins is the same that runs through yours. We are family.
I have just visited your blog for the first time. Is it ok if I link you to mine?
I was blown away by this post. You have given words to something I felt so many years ago when Paul died. Maybe I wasn’t mature enought to put it into words then, but even now I don’t know that I could. I am blessed by the words you wrote.
Your mom’s comments regarding the thread of Willie’s life being intwined with your families is wonderfully said as well.
Know that Brandon and I pray for you guys all the time and the program from Willie’s services sits on our piano as an everyday reminder of his life and yours.
Traci in Utah